Monday, January 27, 2014

Out of Control

The Universe is spinning out of control.
I'm stuck in the middle,
With feelings of confusion and heartache.
I only find solace in my dreams,
Only to awaken to reality.
Reality sucks.
Selfishness sucks.
This uncertainty sucks.
Helplessness sucks.
"This too shall pass," they say.
I don't want it to "pass"
I only want what I was promised as a very young girl to come true.
Reality is, that will never happen.
I've come to terms with that fact,
but it still leaves me reeling in a universe that feels so, very out of control.




Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Fresh wounds



                                                                                                                                                                
 
   Today turned out to be such a beautiful day that I decided to make the long drive into town and take care of some errands. Despite the freezing nip of winter outside my warm van, I had my windows down and my radio blasting. "Today IS going to be a good day," I thought to myself as I navigated the curves into town as the sun shone down on me. I even giggled at the gas attendant who had more than a word to say about my bumper stickers. I got all of my errands done and before I knew it, I was back home.
 
I set down to write a post about the breakthrough that I had and in a split second the tears starting pouring as if this morning I had only sutured up fresh wounds and now they were breaking open with the force of my tears as if it was real blood droplets flowing through that could not be contained. It has me wondering if my wounds are too fresh and deep to artificially start the healing process with sutures or if I need to keep applying them every single day.
 
Or maybe, somewhere deep down, I keep telling myself that things will return to normal, that everyone's pain will cease and I have too many scars already.
 
Oh, dear Lord, I just want everything back to normal, but a happy normal. I'm intelligent enough to know that I can't change things, which makes every tear drop sting a little more than the one before.
I'm going to have to accept this new normal that has been thrown at me, but emotionally I'm not strong enough to do so.


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

EMPTY SPACES

 
 
I'm sitting here in my brand new living room. To the left of me are three huge windows letting me gaze beyond our backyard into the vast forest. Don't get me wrong, it is absolutely breathtaking and everything I have ever wanted, but leaves me having to confront all of the empty spaces in my life.
 
From the minor empty spaces, like my little girl starting school, and now I'm left all alone in this big house all day long.
 
From the major empty spaces, like losing the best friends we have ever had and knowing nothing will ever change that.
 
For awhile these empty spaces, among many others, like missing my nephew Jax more than I can stand
 have held me captive "On the Dark side of the Moon."

I'm happy to say I have broken those chains. I'm not stupid, I know that I'm going to get sad from time to time. That comes with being human and certainly comes with adapting. Through many talks with my dad in the early mornings and talks with my mom.....after she's had her coffee :) And LOTS of prayer, on my knees, prayer, I have joy in my heart.
Wow, I haven't said that in so long that I can't remember and damn, does it feel great. I'm going into town meeting people, introducing myself and talking......I don't do talking.

I guess in some ways you could say I'm turning into my Mother, that's a good thing!



 
 
 


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

To the Anonymous Coward in Happy Valley

 
To the anonymous Coward of Happy Valley,
 Let's get a few things straight, shall we? 
 
1. My Mother's name is spelled T-E-R-I, not Terry. That alone, set the BS bells ringin' It showed that you do not know my Mom, therefore anything you were going to spew throughout the letter was going to be nothing more than nonsense. 
 
2. I, K-A-R-L-I C-U-N-N-I-N-G-H-A-M, set up my Dad's fundraiser and I am the one "begging" for donations on Facebook. My Mom posts updates and shares the links that I send out. If you have a problem with that, take it up with me, sweetheart. 
 
3. Again, if you knew my Mom, you would know that she has a job. You actually want her to get an $11 an hour job and have to turn around and pay a bookkeeper $100+ to do her books and pay someone else $25-30 an hour to come in and write contracts, bids, scopes and all of that? They, Mom AND Dad, have already checked that out, not that it's ANY of your business. That alone shows your ignorance, or maybe your stupidity. 
 
4. And these Assets????? They have no assets. If you want to come out of the comfort, and anonymity, or I should say cowardice, of your little box on the hillside and come talk with my mom, she would be more than willing to explain what's happened in their lives in the last several years that she won't whine about. As for right now, with you being a coward and all, you deserve no explanation.
 
  5. As for her car, you have NO idea what her payments are, I'm quite sure they're MUCH less than what you drive, and the gas mileage much better. There again, why she has that car are circumstances you know nothing about. And as for Starbucks, guess what, know-it-all, she hasn't paid for it in a while, uh, you want to know why? Well, ask her doctor. Do you have to deal with bipolar, the stress of a business, special needs kids, and trying to stay afloat financially? Yeah, that's what I thought. Once again, you assume, you don't ask.
 
  6.Have you had the COURAGE to take on 7 ADOPTED kids ALL with special needs? No, you haven't, because you think only of yourself. Can you say, "self-absorbed?" 
 
7. As for everything else with the name calling and the swearing leads me to believe that you are not mature enough to understand if I tried to explain everything else you put in your "anonymous" letter. As my grandfather told me, the use of swear words and name calling only means a person has a limited vocabulary, therefore limited intellect, and are unable to articulate properly. It's so great that people know EVERYTHING WITHOUT ASKING ONE QUESTION, ONLY BLAMING, and cussing and swearing like a seventh grader! You have no idea what they have sold, and frankly, it's none of your business, busybody. What you need to do is get a life and stop worrying about my mom's life. None of this is about my mom, it's about my dad. My mother NEVER made it about her, you have a screw loose, envy I think. I also noticed you NEVER once asked how my dad is, hmmm, you must REALLY envy my mom. 
 
As for the letter, in whole, I can only conclude that you are extremely jealous of my mother and her ageless beauty and compassion, which you certainly don't have.
 
   Sincerely, 
 
Those who lived in Happy Valley before it was the cool thing to do 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Sometimes dreams hurt more than life

"Some day you will find me
I haven't gone too far
I miss the way we were back then
How we laughed 
 can feel you in my heart
There's a world in your eyes
 I can see it getting brighter
All the hours that we turned into days
We were young seemed like life would go on last forever
All I had was you by my side
Some day you will answer
Remember how we were
When all our hopes and dreams
Floated in the air 
I feel it in my heart
I can feel you in my heart
That's the way that it was in the past you remember
When we ran through the wind and the rain
We were young 
Seemed like life would go on last forever."

Now everything has changed. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Pure & Raw love


Where do I start? I've been thinking about this all week; what to say, what not to say.
How do I even begin to put all of my thoughts and feelings about my Mom in one post?
 
I decided to stay on one topic. Forgive me if my brain wanders elsewhere, in the end, I promise I'll sum it all up.
 
It began when my Mom was eight months pregnant. She fled a horrible situation, not because she, necessarily had the strength physically or emotionally, but she knew she had to save my life. Using the love for a child that she hadn't even met yet she was able to gain the strength to change my life forever.
That was the first decision among many, many, many others that her love for me came first.
 
She and I have been through so much together that we could write a series of New York Times Best Sellers.
 
 
 
 
 
She's Yelled.
I've Screamed.
She's Held me. Tightly.
I've embraced her.
I've called her names. Names that no daughter should even utter to their Mother.
She's called me names. Names that I've truly deserved.
She grieved with me when my baby died.
Although, she remained strong to hold me up.
I slept in her bed the night the Angels took Isaiah.
She stroked my hair until I fell asleep.
I stole from her.
She forgave me. She never judged me. She stood by me.
I've gone crazy and done some pretty bad things.
She knew it wasn't the true me.
She fought for me.
She got me help.
She tells me that I'm beautiful.
Because she knows that is something that I need right now.
She's slapped me.
I deserved it.
She listens to me bitch, whine and moan.
 Then tells me to work it out and stay positive.
She treats my children like they are the most precious jewels that God has ever made.
She tells me the truth.
She found my Daddy.
She married my Daddy.
She loves my Daddy.
She has probably spent over 100 hours just sitting by my side in the hospital.
She's the only one ever that would drop anything just to sit in a chair for hours waiting for test results.
I still cringe at the way she slurps her latte.
She still slurps. :)
I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, even with all of my horrible, ugly insecurities, she is the person that will never, ever leave me.
My Mom is my best friend and as I look back, she has been since she was eight months pregnant with me. I'm just now realizing what a real best friend is. Honestly, I have never been one to anyone else. Being a best friend is not just about having fun or having inside jokes. Its about having that deep, raw, connection with someone else's soul that you could absolutely never live without. It means always putting the other person above yourself, loving them first and yourself second. NEVER being selfish, always being honest and never breaking promises.
 
Mom, You've been my best friend this whole time, your actions prove that. I can only pray the changes that I have made in my life will show you that I, too, am your best friend.
 
 
 
I Love you to the Moon and back.
Happy Mother's Day!
 
 
 
 
 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Not drinking that poison no more!

 
 
 
 
 Right now, I'm getting angry. Angry at things that I can't change and things that are unfair for me to be angry at.
I learned not only, not to hold my anger in, but if I can't express it positively to another person then I just need to try and let it go.
Therefore, I try to release my anger as I hit "publish" and leave you with this.
 
 
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those that love him"
1 COR 2:9 
 
 
No anger, only peace