Sometimes dreams hurt more than life

"Some day you will find me

I haven't gone too far

I miss the way we were back then

How we laughed 

I  can feel you in my heart

There's a world in your eyes

 I can see it getting brighter

All the hours that we turned into days

We were young seemed like life would go on last forever

All I had was you by my side

Some day you will answer

Remember how we were

When all our hopes and dreams

Floated in the air 

I feel it in my heart

I can feel you in my heart

That's the way that it was in the past you remember

When we ran through the wind and the rain

We were young 
Seemed like life would go on last forever."

Now everything has changed. 

Pure & Raw love

Where do I start? I've been thinking about this all week; what to say, what not to say.

How do I even begin to put all of my thoughts and feelings about my Mom in one post?

 

I decided to stay on one topic. Forgive me if my brain wanders elsewhere, in the end, I promise I'll sum it all up.

 

It began when my Mom was eight months pregnant. She fled a horrible situation, not because she, necessarily had the strength physically or emotionally, but she knew she had to save my life. Using the love for a child that she hadn't even met yet she was able to gain the strength to change my life forever.

That was the first decision among many, many, many others that her love for me came first.

 

She and I have been through so much together that we could write a series of New York Times Best Sellers.

 

 

 

 

 

She's Yelled.

I've Screamed.

She's Held me. Tightly.

I've embraced her.

I've called her names. Names that no daughter should even utter to their Mother.

She's called me names. Names that I've truly deserved.

She grieved with me when my baby died.

Although, she remained strong to hold me up.

I slept in her bed the night the Angels took Isaiah.

She stroked my hair until I fell asleep.

I stole from her.

She forgave me. She never judged me. She stood by me.

I've gone crazy and done some pretty bad things.

She knew it wasn't the true me.

She fought for me.

She got me help.

She tells me that I'm beautiful.

Because she knows that is something that I need right now.

She's slapped me.

I deserved it.

She listens to me bitch, whine and moan.

 Then tells me to work it out and stay positive.

She treats my children like they are the most precious jewels that God has ever made.

She tells me the truth.

She found my Daddy.

She married my Daddy.

She loves my Daddy.

She has probably spent over 100 hours just sitting by my side in the hospital.

She's the only one ever that would drop anything just to sit in a chair for hours waiting for test results.

I still cringe at the way she slurps her latte.

She still slurps. :)

I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, even with all of my horrible, ugly insecurities, she is the person that will never, ever leave me.

My Mom is my best friend and as I look back, she has been since she was eight months pregnant with me. I'm just now realizing what a real best friend is. Honestly, I have never been one to anyone else. Being a best friend is not just about having fun or having inside jokes. Its about having that deep, raw, connection with someone else's soul that you could absolutely never live without. It means always putting the other person above yourself, loving them first and yourself second. NEVER being selfish, always being honest and never breaking promises.

 

Mom, You've been my best friend this whole time, your actions prove that. I can only pray the changes that I have made in my life will show you that I, too, am your best friend.

 

 

 

I Love you to the Moon and back.

Happy Mother's Day!

 

 

 

 

 

Not drinking that poison no more!

 

 

 

 

 Right now, I'm getting angry. Angry at things that I can't change and things that are unfair for me to be angry at.

I learned not only, not to hold my anger in, but if I can't express it positively to another person then I just need to try and let it go.

Therefore, I try to release my anger as I hit "publish" and leave you with this.

 

 

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those that love him"

1 COR 2:9 

 

 

No anger, only peace



Truth is, even "normal" people have days like this!

 

 

I've been doing really well. Meaning all of the Bipolar crap really hasn't been bothering me all that much. I've been having real, genuine emotions. When I'm happy, I know why I'm happy. When I'm sad, I know why I'm sad and that its not depression taking over. Truth be told, I haven't been really sad in awhile. 

 

Well, today, I am sad. Just plain sad.

 

I started the morning off waking to a dream about two of my brothers.

Two different stories, two different pains, two different heartaches.

 

Then, I was hit with a dose of major hypocrisy, that didn't anger me, but hurt me down to the depths of my soul.

 

And, I don't know what it was, but my Uncle "liked" one of my status' on Facebook and I looked across the room at the framed picture of me and him, and the tears started to stream and they haven't stopped.

 

Honestly, I don't know what else to say, except today sucks a big one. I haven't felt deep, true, emotional pain like this in a very long time.

 

I can tell you. though, that out of everything that I am sad about, there is so much more to be thankful for. I realize I am blessed more than most and for that I am eternally grateful for.

 

But, today, there will be no mask. I will let myself feel these emotions. I have remained numb for far too long.

 

The sun will come out tomorrow! (well, maybe not literally)

 

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise Him,

my Savior and my God"

 

 



The Crowns I Wear

First let's get a few things out of the way:

1. I do NOT, again, I do NOT write to gain any form of sympathy. If that even enters your mind, as it has a few of you, LEAVE, do not come back. If you do truly know me, love me, or know what I am going through you already know why I write and I have no need to explain it.

2. Today, my mind is extremely jumbled. I may write things that just plain don't make sense because I'm trying to make sense of it myself by just getting it out. That alone, does not mean that I'm wearing my crazy crown at the moment either.

3. I'm not proofreading today. period.

4. Today, I have no clue what needs to come out, I just need to write. And yes, there will negative things.......doesn't mean that I'm wearing my depressed crown either. Maybe, I'm sifting through the negative to let in the sunshine?

          At the moment, my brain feels fuzzy and I can almost visualize the electrons misfiring. It's a horrible feeling leaving me begging a neurological surgeon to just take it all away. And today of all days, I had my appointment with my Neuro-Psychiatrist. He only does the medication part, not the talking. I NEEDED the talking today. I've felt extremely isolated lately. I  have people around to talk to, but I REALLY need someone doesn't just refer me to doctors, ask if I have taken my medications, or think that I have my pity party crown on. As a matter a fact, after being told by someone that they don't want to hear anything except good things, I shut down. The bad things are the exact things that I NEED to talk about and work out. Since then I do my best to hide about ninety percent of how I am actually feeling. Why worry my family? Why lead them to believe the crown of despair is always wobbling on my head. It seems as if I have nowhere to go besides my mom. She understands, mostly, what I am going through. But, I know my mom, she has unfounded guilt about passing the crown of Bipolar down to me, so why would I want to make her feel even more horrible?

Luckily, my Psychiatrist is trying to compile some therapists to go to. I pray, oh, I pray it's a good one.

I don't like therapists. They take history. They take notes. 

But, they don't know my soul. Something I do have in my life, but unfortunately it just won't work.

So, I will polish up my needy crown and sift through every therapist until I feel that connection that my spirit needs so much.

Now, I shall put on my delusional crown. Many of you know that I hallucinate and hallucinate frequently at night. One doctor said that I should be wearing a crown of Pychosis. Another a crown of delusions held up by P.T.S.D. My new doctor is running many tests to see if the crown of Salvador Dali fits well.

See, my Doctor thinks that not all my hallucinations are actual hallucinations. He believes many of them, especially close to night time are waking dreams. (Many people have speculated that Dali would keep himself awake long enough to induce a dreaming state and then painting what he saw.)

As, for me, I enjoy my sleep, but it is never, ever quality sleep, leaving little time for the R.E.M that we all need. Basically he thinks that I have disruptive sleep cycles and waking dreams. The medicine that they propose will hopefully cure it! Placing crown of hope on now!

The other thing about Dali, is that my Dr. wants me to actually explore my artistic side and start painting my hallucinations. When he said that, I could barely contain the laughter. He. was. not. amused. "Karli, you need to try it, your emotions need to get out, please try. As I said, "ok," I pictured myself in a kindergarten classroom seated at a tiny easel with my glittering princess crown lying on the floor while a dunce cap took it's place.

Maybe, I will try and paint what I see, but it may be years before I show them to a soul. I crave acceptance and that's why I will be wearing my ugly crown of rejection while attempting brush strokes.

We left my appointment and headed to re-enroll Jakob in school. We arrived at school and before I shut the door I grabbed the crown that I wear most often,  the beautifully adorned, always polished, crown of deception. Hopefully the beauty of the crown shining so elegantly will distract them from the true me. It worked and we were out of there.

Then, I saw him. I stared at him. and I cried. 

It was a little boy the age that Isaiah would have been. In all of thirty seconds I watched his curls bounce on his head even I never saw Isaiah at this age, he looked so much like him. he slid down the slide and then looked in my eyes and smiled. 

My emotions couldn't handle it and I didn't know what to do with myself. I certainly didn't want to talk to anyone. So, I decided to pick Josiah up a little early so all of the kids could be together. 

I walked in MLA with my broken and tattered crown on and waited for my angel to come through those doors. I held him and I cried. At that very moment, he was what I needed. Maybe he needs an angel

 crown :)

Honestly, after writing, I still feel unwell. So, I am going to take each one of my crowns and put them in the proper place and then get into bed adorned by my crown of Beauty. Because even if no one sees it, I'm a super awesome person who is beautiful inside and out.

I'm getting better

I know that most of you know everything that I have been through, but those who don't please don't judge me until you have lived with many mental illnesses and their consequences.

I feel like I am better and feeling the happiness that that brings, I'll be damned before I let myself slip into the darkness where I lived for so, very long.

Me getting better consisted of many things. First my medication. I went through a time in which I was very, heavily medicated both by Doctor's orders and many times on my own terms. Now, I am on just one psychiatric med, which is controlling my awful highs and lows. I can't remember the last time I was depressed or manic, even hypomanic. I also take ativan twice a day to control my panic and believe it or not my visual hallucinations. 

What also helped me see the light was being able to really see what a shitty person I had become. I was failing to realize just how many blessings God had given me and I was ignoring them all. I did a lot of things that made me be seen as more than untrustworthy. I lost relationships that meant the absolute world to me, I felt unworthy around my parents so I avoided them. I felt unworthy around my husband and my kids, so I pretty much kept to myself. I was so wrapped up in guilt and unworthiness that I blocked everyone important to me, including God out of my life. That period was the loneliest and scared that I have ever felt.

I don't know what changed, but I was able to conquer my selfishness, overcome my fears and take hold of the strength that God put in me.

Now that I'm not so preoccupied with my own craziness I'm finding it easier everyday to be the wife, daughter, the sister and the Mom that God intended me to be. I take that back, it's not always easy, but somehow God knows just the amount of strength that I need to get through the day.

I've been able to separate my feelings or the thoughts in my head from what is actually reality. You know, the reality the matters the most in this world. Listening to everything your children have to say and taking their words and locking them up in your heart. Getting the kids up a little early before school to spend that time just being with each other. Letting my kids have their own opinions and dreams and goals without always thinking that I know everything. Playing with my kids as much as I can. Singing to my kids whenever the mood strikes. Having random dance parties and above all making them feel like they are the most special thing ever.

Making my husband feel like he is special and appreciated. Actively listening when he talks to me about work. Trying to really connect with him, spiritually and physically. Thanking him for standing by my side, always. Showing him how much I love him with more than just words. Show him that I love him so much that I will be by his side for the rest of eternity,

With my family I am working really hard to prove to them that they did a great job with me, there were just some bumps in the road. I'm calling and talking to my parents for the simple reason that I love them so much. I'm trying to spend more time at their house, because not only does it make them happy, it makes me feel whole.

With my siblings, I think it may take a little time. Many of them are still hurt. They looked up to me and I completely let them down. I deeply, deeply cherish all of my brothers and sisters. That's why I am choosing to take hold of my life and do all the right things. I can't change their minds about me, but I believe the more that I change and they see that those changes are very good that they will begin to realize that I am becoming the sister that they always wanted.

I'm very proud of who I have let myself become. No more lying in bed or on the couch. I, for once in my life am taking control of my mind and my hallucinations. They will NO longer get the best of me, I know for a fact that I am much stronger than that.

To My Baby Boy

Dear Isaiah,
Today it has been eight years since the Angels came and took you from my arms. It has been a long time, but I still remember every inch of you like it was yesterday. I remember your sweet smell, kissing your wiggly toes, singing to you when no one was listening and you sleeping on my chest every night. I will cherish those memories forever. There is not one single day that I don't think about you. I wonder about how things would be if you were still here, especially what you would look like and what it would sound like for you to call me Mommy. I would give anything to hear that, just once. I'd love to see you play with your PaPa and do special things with Nana. I'd love to kiss you goodnight and then sing "You are my sunshine" to you like I do with your brothers and sister. But, I can't do or see those things right now and that brings me pain like I have never felt. Along with the pain, I carry around great comfort. I know exactly where you are. I know that you feel no more pain and never will again. I know that your tears have been forever wiped away. I know that you are HOME. The best thing of all is I KNOW I will see you again and I absolutely can't wait!

I love you to the moon and back, my sweet, sweet angel! I will see you soon.

Love,
Your Mommy