My thoughts have been racing for weeks now. Tonight is really bad. I wanted to write, but can't maintain a grasp on my ideas long enough to type them out. So I am just going to type out single thoughts that come to my mind.
I wish I could laugh everyday like I did last night.
I'm very proud of myself for not drinking a glass of wine last night to take the edge off of my pain.
I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
A glass of wine would be nice right now.
My meds would probably make me puke up a glass of wine.
I hate taking medicine.
I wonder when my new meds will start to level off my mania?
It better be soon.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I'm really not as crazy as some people think.
My family loves me.
I still feel ashamed around my family.
But, I know they all love me.
I want them to be proud of me.
I could have easily made better choices in my life.
I'd like to say I have no regrets, like everybody says. But, that's just not true.
I'm trying my best to live for today.
That is effing hard!
I feel I let my past control me most of the time.
I think that if I let go of my past that I will surely forget my past.
I don't want that to happen.
I miss my Nanny.
I really need to talk to her right now.
I had great conversations with both of my Uncles the other day.
That made me happy.
I miss them.
I need to see them.
My heart aches because they are so far away.
It's getting really hard to breathe.
I will never forgive myself for not going to visit my Grandpa before he died like I promised him.
I would give anything to know what he would have thought of my life right now.
My husband just made me laugh.
He reminded me of Anna-Grace saying that she was going to spank her bunny's ass.
No, Mom, we never tell the kids we are going to spank their asses!
It was beyond irritating when the lady at target associated me with the Occupy movement because Anna-Grace has pink in her hair.
The Occupiers need to be more thankful for what they have....like their abundance of blue tarps.
Not going to ever bring up Occupy with my brother.
You need to know when to choose your battles.
Still working on choosing the right battles with my husband.
Marriage is so hard, but so, very much worth it.
I praise God everyday for my husband.
He is truly a gift.
I praise God for everything in my life.
Contrary to popular belief I am not always negative.
People who think that about me can suck it, because I don't care.
I HATE it when people assume things.
I assume things sometimes.
We're all human.
My thoughts are starting to calm now.
I feel better.
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I love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you feel better. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you were able to geet these thoughts on 'paper' and stop the racing in your head a little bit.
ReplyDeleteHugs & love,
Mimi
OH I loathe those moments of out of control thoughts. A former panic attack sufferer I had nights like this more then I would care to count. As one sister to another let me let you in on a secret. Did you know that when you read aloud those thoughts have to stop? The brain is unable to process reading and then transferring it to speech and continue with randomized thoughts. Another heads up Psalm 91 became my saving grace on those nights. King David wrote it while he was hiding in a cave from Saul. The man who was called by God as a man after God's own heart, had fear that overwhelmed him like we do. In that fear he cried out to God. It is a beautiful reminder that it is we , the cracked vessels , that God find the most beauty in.
ReplyDeleteYou made me laugh! : ) The Occupiers need to be more thankful - like for the abundance of blue tarps! HAHA! You have a great sense of humor, and I'm glad jotting your thoughts down made you feel better. I find writing makes me feel better when I feel something intensely, too. Wishing good thoughts for you! (hug)
ReplyDeleteIsn't writing it all out a wonderful thing? Just to let you know... letting go of your past so you can move on, does not mean you'll forget it. You never forget. You can't, because if you do, then the lessons learned will not be nearly as valuable!!
ReplyDeleteGo laugh some more! At your daughter, you husband, the occupiers... ;o)
Oh baby girl, your thoughts are very real and cohesive. My brain works in that manner also. Lay your guilt at the foot of the cross and you know that in your sincerity and by His grace you will be forgivin. That is....washed clean. I care so much. Wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteIf it's not too personal, may I ask which medications are you on? I am taking Lamictal and it has worked wonders for my bipolar.
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone for all of the encouragement. I appreciate it more than you guys will ever know! :)
ReplyDeleteTami- I had been on Lamictal ever since I was diagnosed almost four years ago. I didn't realize just how much it was helping me until we had to stop it because it was causing severe bouts of pancreatitits. I'm pretty sure that stopping the Lamictal led to my "psychotic break" :(
Currently I'm taking 600mg Seroquel (trying to find replacement anti psychotic that will help more with the hallucinations and not cause anymore weight gain.) Just started Lithium 300mg 3X a day...titrating up to 1200-2400 mg. I'm also taking Librium to help lessen manic symptoms until we get to a therapeutic dose of Lithium. I'm still on the roller coaster, but praying once I get to a higher dose of Lithium I will start feeling better. It's basically my last option since I have tried every other mood stabilizer out there. We shall see.
Oh, and Mom, I love you too, so, VERY much!
ReplyDeleteHang in there Karli! I'm relating much here... Sometimes listening to audiobooks on my IPOD helps with the racing, too. Hmmm... I have a new granddaughter and she wears pink all the time. Did the idiotic woman forget that pink is a GIRL color FIRST! ;p
ReplyDeleteI used to be on Seroquel. Weight is a problem and I slept A LOT! But HEY, at least when I'm sleeping, I'm not racing. LOL! Now I'm on Lamictal and Lithium... Weight's still an issue, but FAT DOES run in my family... *sigh* I've been having a lot of stomache issues and I hadn't heard of pancreatitis being a side effect... not consciously anyway... Thanks for sharing that. (((HUGS)))
Do you find that writing typically helps you, as it appears to have done in this post?
ReplyDeleteSnowbrush- Writing always helps me. My thoughts seem to always be racing through my head. It seems the only way to sort out my thoughts is to write. I really need to write more. I think it'll make me feel a lot better than I do. But, sometimes the depression takes hold and during that it is so hard to motivate myself to do the simplest things, let alone write.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. It is comforting to know that someone with bipolar is going through the same things I am. I wanted to share with everyone with bipolar out there a great website I found: http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-ba. It offers a lot of great information about bipolar and treatment. I hope this is helpful.
ReplyDelete