Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Good thoughts???


Contains vivid memories about my son dying. May make some  uncomfortable.






At the end of therapy today my doctor asked me to try and focus on good thoughts about Isaiah's life. So, I told him that I would blog about it. I've been trying, trying hard to think of the good that came from Isaiah's life and I can't. You guys are probably thinking that I'm a horrible Mom, but really it's just my mind. For some reason, My brain is stuck on the last three weeks of his life. From the moment we took his feeding tube out to the day he was buried. My brain has been stuck watching my son starve to death, seize, scream, and slip into a coma. I'm not choosing to focus on these horrific moments, the thoughts just overcome my whole being. I have flashbacks of listening to him scream, looking at his sunken in, gray face, trying to change his diaper worrying I'm going to break his legs, watching him have seizures and just holding him tight until it was over, wrapping him up in a heating pad and five blankets because his temperature won't rise above 93 degrees, rubbing ice chips on his cracked and bleeding lips, listening to his neurologist tell me that he wasn't really looking at me because he was in a coma, taking him out of his casket at the viewing and holding onto him for dear life one last time and watching the tiniest white coffin I have ever seen be lowered into the ground.

As I was writing all of those memories it occured to me that maybe my mind is protecting me in a weird way. Maybe if I remember the blessings and good moments the pain of losing him would consume me even more than it already does. Maybe I'm disassociating myself from the whole reality because I'm not emotionally ready to deal with the fact that something wonderful in my life was poisoned with disease and ripped from my arms.

Whatever it may be, it's my reality. You can think I'm a horrible Mom all that you want, but please don't judge me unless you have lived this nightmare.

14 comments:

  1. Wow Karli, this brought me to tears.. I can not even imagine how horrifying losing Isaiah was. I only know that my opportunity to hold him will be firmly in my heart forever. I felt the same way that I that he could see me. He definitely left an impression on me and I never thanked you for allowing me the chance to meet him. You are a wonderful, brave mother and never let anyone tell you differently! Gods blessings to you !

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  2. That means so much, Kary. Thank you.

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  3. I think it's wonderful that you're posting more. I think it's a really good sign. You know what you're not doing? You're not letting those horrific memories send you into a tailspin of despair. In fact, that last paragraph shows commendable insight in the face of such graphic pain. This isn't obsessing to me-this is courageous healing. And YOU are doing it!

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  4. Well, thank you! Just trying to figure all this crap out........finally.

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  5. First of all it is understandable why those are the forefront thoughts that come. It is hard to find the silver lining after experiencing that kind of loss and pain. Especially if it was an extended time, which it was. Time will come when you can remember something good. It is just hard to think that good can come out of such pain and sorrow, but it does. It opened your eyes to the fleeting of life, the importance of knowing what you have when you have a baby, the fact that despite his loss and pain he had your strength. How else could he have endured all he did to be so little. Coma my butt I believe he saw you. Period. Huge hugs because you are taking the steps with grace and courage darling.

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  6. Thank you! You make some very good points. I'll probably have to just keep telling myself those things until I truly believe them.

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  7. You are not a bad mom. It probably is a protective measure like you said. I agree with angel a time will come when you remember something positive and good.

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  8. Sorry for commenting, I only know you from your mom's FB page. I read your blog and felt compelled to comment. Do you remember the joy of when your child first arrived, that feeling of holding him in your arms, of looking at him with your eyes and feeling such a joy? I'm sure there are many more memories to think of that can make you smile. Sometimes the things in life that cause joy can be so quick and in a blink of an eye, like seeing a shooting star that happens for a fraction of a second but it still makes you say "oooooo" and "ahhhhh" and makes you feel good because you witnessed such a very cool thing. I hope you can eventually bring forth the happiness you felt and be thankful you were given a chance to witness a little bit of joy, even if for a short while. Hang in there, Karli.

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  9. Don't apologize for commenting! Thank you SO much for doing so. You made me think.

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  10. Karli - I've only started following your blog and your Mom's recently but feel so compelled to tell you how I admire your strength and courage to confront all the trauma and horrible stuff in your past and deal with the realities of living with BP. Regarding your son and your memories - I think you have to dig through the "crap" sometimes to get to the beautiful memories - the dark stuff dirties up the basic, good and beautiful things that are there. Please hang in there, keep digging and know there are lots of folks you don't know out here rooting for you! You've gone through a lot - and are still standing.

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  11. I couldn't imagine a more normal response. I haven't experience anything like what you have had to go through.
    No one could dare judge you for your feelings.
    I pray that one day you will feel some peace. But in no way would I say give it time, you'll feel differently...etc.

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  12. i m shocked to see this.
    My eyes full with tears.

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  13. Karli,

    My heart aches for you. There is no way those memories are ever going to be anything but painful. Still, remember that life on this earth is but a whisper compared to the life to come. You gave Isaiah life and he is now living it in the fullest! Real love is often about sacrifice. You sacrificed your joy for him to have life. That is love!

    In His Grip,
    Janice

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  14. I don't have kids so I can't say I know what your going through. But I have had a lot of pets in the past die. I should say pass on to a new life up in pet heaven. I want to let you know that your blog brought me to tears and then a smile appeared on my face when reading the last paragraph as I can see that you are making a leap in the right direction. Please don't say your a bad mom. You are not a bad mom you were there for him good/bad and that's what he needed, he needed his mom to hold him in her arms and love him till he past. Which you did and he is thankful. So put a smile on and try to think about when he was born, the smile on your face when you first saw him and his eyes locking on to yours its nice huh? We shouldn't dwell on the bad things, I know it's easier said then done... But we can try right?

    Here for you,
    Tonya

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