I have been doing horribly lately. I feel like I have been screaming at the top of my lungs and either everyone is too tired of dealing with my problems or my silent screams are not loud enough. My audible screams are passed off as excuses or some people just plain don't care anymore. I know that I'm coming across as a whiny little bitch, but this is just me voicing the honest way that I am feeling right now.
I feel like I'm walking this path all alone. When I stumble I have no one to pick me back up and help me figure out exactly why I fell. I have made MANY bad choices in the past couple months. Although, I don't blame them on Bipolar, something is most definitely wrong.
I do know that Isaiah has been on my mind a lot lately. That's consistent with every summer, but it has never been this far away from his birthday. I've lost someone so important in my life and even though it's my fault, it feels like my heart is broken into a million pieces. I found out last week that there is a very good chance that I have a very rare form of breast cancer and all I can do about it is pray.
But, still, I'm hallucinating. Hallucinating horribly scary things that will not leave my mind. My mood is angry, scared, sad, and anxious. My mind is spinning with thoughts that I can't grasp, control, or stop. I'm not manic, I'm not depressed, I'm in limbo.
I do have a Psychiatrist appointment today and I WILL share these things with him. Maybe it's my new meds, the season, or the general heartache that I feel every day.
We'll see.
Aww sweetie ((HUGS)). I think you have had a LOT of traumatic things occur in this time of year. It is not a surprise other things are manifesting through that trauma. You are NEVER alone.. God has always got your back. And so do we.
ReplyDeleteI'm always here Karli. I love you very, very much. Everyone of us has problems, it's admitting them that makes us truly courageous.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Angel, for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteMom, I know that you are here and always will be here for me. You, know that feeling that you are walking a tight rope all alone and you feel if you look down no one is there, not even a net?
Why don't you say some more about what these hallucinations actually are?
ReplyDeleteI blogged a nervous breakdown once. It was in mid to late January 2011 on my old
gledwood2.blogspot.com
blog.
Of course the downside is feeling so exposed it's like leaving yourself open to mental rape. And that part of you feels you've given the world a big deal to laugh at... But on the other hand you might just find someone out there who understands it, for now at least, better than you do...
(Know what I mean..?)