I know that most of you know everything that I have been through, but those who don't please don't judge me until you have lived with many mental illnesses and their consequences.
I feel like I am better and feeling the happiness that that brings, I'll be damned before I let myself slip into the darkness where I lived for so, very long.
Me getting better consisted of many things. First my medication. I went through a time in which I was very, heavily medicated both by Doctor's orders and many times on my own terms. Now, I am on just one psychiatric med, which is controlling my awful highs and lows. I can't remember the last time I was depressed or manic, even hypomanic. I also take ativan twice a day to control my panic and believe it or not my visual hallucinations.
What also helped me see the light was being able to really see what a shitty person I had become. I was failing to realize just how many blessings God had given me and I was ignoring them all. I did a lot of things that made me be seen as more than untrustworthy. I lost relationships that meant the absolute world to me, I felt unworthy around my parents so I avoided them. I felt unworthy around my husband and my kids, so I pretty much kept to myself. I was so wrapped up in guilt and unworthiness that I blocked everyone important to me, including God out of my life. That period was the loneliest and scared that I have ever felt.
I don't know what changed, but I was able to conquer my selfishness, overcome my fears and take hold of the strength that God put in me.
Now that I'm not so preoccupied with my own craziness I'm finding it easier everyday to be the wife, daughter, the sister and the Mom that God intended me to be. I take that back, it's not always easy, but somehow God knows just the amount of strength that I need to get through the day.
I've been able to separate my feelings or the thoughts in my head from what is actually reality. You know, the reality the matters the most in this world. Listening to everything your children have to say and taking their words and locking them up in your heart. Getting the kids up a little early before school to spend that time just being with each other. Letting my kids have their own opinions and dreams and goals without always thinking that I know everything. Playing with my kids as much as I can. Singing to my kids whenever the mood strikes. Having random dance parties and above all making them feel like they are the most special thing ever.
Making my husband feel like he is special and appreciated. Actively listening when he talks to me about work. Trying to really connect with him, spiritually and physically. Thanking him for standing by my side, always. Showing him how much I love him with more than just words. Show him that I love him so much that I will be by his side for the rest of eternity,
With my family I am working really hard to prove to them that they did a great job with me, there were just some bumps in the road. I'm calling and talking to my parents for the simple reason that I love them so much. I'm trying to spend more time at their house, because not only does it make them happy, it makes me feel whole.
With my siblings, I think it may take a little time. Many of them are still hurt. They looked up to me and I completely let them down. I deeply, deeply cherish all of my brothers and sisters. That's why I am choosing to take hold of my life and do all the right things. I can't change their minds about me, but I believe the more that I change and they see that those changes are very good that they will begin to realize that I am becoming the sister that they always wanted.
I'm very proud of who I have let myself become. No more lying in bed or on the couch. I, for once in my life am taking control of my mind and my hallucinations. They will NO longer get the best of me, I know for a fact that I am much stronger than that.